Am I Going Crazy? My battle with My Mind

Bell Lets Talk day was just last week. A cause I can get behind and truly support. Anxiety is Real, Depression is Real, the fear and other feelings that go with it is real. You know what else is real? The Stigma attached to it. So lets talk and move forward on ending the Stigma. 

Hindsight-I should have posted this story last week on that day. A lot has happened in the past year. Our oldest started Medication for his ADHD. (We tried alternative methods for almost 2 years, before we decided it was time). My husband left his job of over 12 years to start a new Job in a completely different field. (Was a tough decision but a lot weighed on what was best for our family). Our oldest also received his official Diagnosis of High Functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder. (This actually didn't come to a shock to us, but rather put things into perspective). My parents who lived 15 minutes away sold their house and Moved 3 hours away. (This was a harder pill to swallow than my son's diagnosis). Our bathroom needed a complete overhaul. (Beginning of a disaster,  Impromptu Reno pt 2 ,End is in Sight ) Our oldest who already struggles with change and transition was going to a new school and on the bus. The list goes on but I think you get the idea. 

Change in our household is not only stressful as it is in any other household, but when you add that our son Caelan, doesn't deal well with change, it can make something as simple as hanging up new curtains or buying the wrong juice box (or buying the same brand but they have changed their packaging) into a full out battle. Recently we got a new dining set and my son has had countless meltdowns over it. 

As stressful as some of these things were, I thought I was handling things really well. We had dealt with change before, and had blindly been dealing with our son prior to any official diagnosis and having a starting plan in place. This wasn't your typical household, but so many other's are fighting battles in silence, it couldn't be that bad for us (me).

Appearances are deceiving. I even almost had myself fooled.  It wasn't until about Mid November, I started having trouble sleeping. I mean I could lay there for hours and not fall asleep. My brain refused to shut off. I tried different methods, everything from staying off my phone late in the evening, limiting screen time, keeping the lights dim, sleepy teas, etc. When I did fall asleep I was waking up several times in the night and felt restless.

I started getting crabby with everyone. (On a good day I'm not exactly a peach either, but this was to the extreme). I was snapping left, right and center. I was getting rage angry at the silliest things. My youngest who is only two would drop his cup on the floor and spill the tiniest amount of juice and I was ready to lose my mind. I was short with everyone around me. I was saying terrible things under my breath and even out loud. I would fall apart at the drop of a hat. I would be in public at the grocery store in the check out line and find myself sweating and feeling faint. I found myself having to apologize for snapping at people and couldn't figure out why I was snapping in the first place. Was I going crazy? I had heard stories of people snapping, Was I one of those people on the Brink?

It wasn't until later that I happened to stumble across a post on Facebook that talked about Anxiety and all the forms it comes in. I thought to myself that maybe it was Anxiety, or something else. I made an appointment to talk to my Doctor about it. Mental Illness such as Anxiety and Depression runs in my family. My entire life I had watched family members and friends struggle with it, never truly understanding it. Could this be what was going on with me? I didn't want to believe it, I watched them silently growing up, but this didn't look exactly like that? It's a weird place to be when you feel as though you are no longer in control of your emotions.

I wasn't going to self diagnose with Doctor Google so I made an appointment to see my family doctor. I had avoided it long enough, I needed to figure out what was going on, things weren't getting better and I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't seek help from someone. 

After speaking with my Doctor and filing out all sorts of questionnaires, it turns out it's a combination of Anxiety and Stress. It was mostly situational. When I thought I was handling everything really well, turns out I wasn't. She suggested that maybe I speak to a counselor or therapist. Having a child on the Spectrum is not a walk down easy street. I guess I hadn't processed it as well as I thought. She suggested I make sure to take some time for myself. She wants to see me in a month and check back to see where I'm at. 

The Anxiety may or may not go away, it may get worse over time, who knows. The daily stresses and struggles will change over time. There will be good days and bad days, and some days in between. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of my family. Writing the blog has been therapeutic on it's own. I may even take up running again (something I used to do and loved). I know that I need to make time for myself, that after all was one of my goals for 2018. Us "Mom's" Deserve a break sometimes. 

So for now I'm not going crazy. Life just piled up a little too much and I didn't handle it well. I'm still searching for ways to cope which work for me, and make life a little bit easier (Aren't we all?) I know it won't change over night and I won't find the "Magic" cure all. I'm learning so much on this Journey, not only about other's but about myself. 

Deep Breath in.... Woosaw... You Got this... 

How do you Deal with added stress and anxiety?

~Mommy Dearest


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